Old Book Idea
I'm leaving for NAMM (National Association of Music Merchandisers) in Indianapolis tomorrow morning where I will hopefully get a few pictures of C list rockstars (saw Billy Ray Cyrus last year) that I can post on the Hank Jamaica site. In the meantime I wanted to leave something that could be commented on for awhile.
A couple of years ago, while in Charleston, we started an ongoing joke that we later thought might be a good idea for a book. It's basically a ripoff of You Might Be A Redneck but having more to do with gayness. Thus the idea for the Homophobics Guide to Heterosexuality was born. There were many contributors but I'm just going to try an rattle off as many as I can remember.
Some are born with gayness. Some achieve gayness. Others have gayness thrust upon them.
If you know any color that wasn't in the original Crayola 8 pack. You're gay. For example something is blueish-green not teal.
If you've ever cooked indoors, you're gay.
Anesthesia is gay. Bite on a bullet like the rest of us.
Allergies are gay.
If you've ever ordered a salad, you're gay.
If your shampoo and conditioner come in separate bottles, you're gay.
Hair gel is gay.
Stretching is gay.
It's understood that popped collars, rings, necklaces, silk shirts, and frosted tips are gay.
15 comments:
I think all of us had gayness thrusted upon us last night by The Dude's attire and his analysis of JBarry and Dimitri.
Now having become addicted to reading this blog, I must add my first comment. How appropriate on an idea that I helped create, and now Jeremy is trying to take full credit. The first of many ingenious comments.
Jay
(put my name so you would know it was me, and not think it was that bootleg John or Morgan).
Guys who use the bridge when they play pool are gay.
"There were many contributors". I don't think I was taking credit at all. Also I usually don't try to link budding lawyers with homophobic statements that could be read by potential employers.
"On the run from Johnny Law... ain't no trip to Cleveland." -Dignan
I would say:
Turtlenecks are gay
Tapping your coke or beer before opening it is gay (I mean what are you afraid of).
Xtra Medium shirts are gay
-My name is Jerry and this is my associate Cornelius-
-cell phone holsters are gay
-PDA's, datebooks, calendars, watches and organizers are all gay
"How does an asshole like Bob get such a great kitchen?"
My one contribution:
If your'e lactose intolerant, you're gay.
Also, Connor had something about "Do not pass Go, do not collect 200 dollars, go straight to GAY!!!"
This is a very insensitive thread, but not "ugly girl on friendster" bad.
Rolling suitcases are gay. You are not a stewardess douchebag!
If you are under six feet tall. Chances are you're gay.
- If you get headaches, you are gay.
- If you wear gloves when working out, you are gay.
- If you order water as your drink at a restaurant, you are gay.
- If you have allergies, you are gay.
- If you like Johnny Depp, you are definitely gay. (It means you are way into acting)
- If you look at your cards before you bet in poker, you are gay.
- If you pay more than $1.06 for coffee, then you are gay.
- If your dog fits in a bag, you are gay.
- If you refer to your friends as "buddies", you are gay.
- If you refer to your friends by their last name, you are gay.
- If you low five, you are gay.
- If you wear loafers, you are gay.
- If you trim your sideburns, you are gay.
- If you wear socks with sandals, you are gay.
- If you wear capris, you are gay.
- If you wear cut off shirts out, you are gay.
- If you don't eat the crust on a sandwich, you are gay.
- If you order soup, you are gay.
- If you play guitar in front of other people and not on a stage, you are gay.
"The moment you put a woman in an evening gown mowing the lawn, it's just gay"
That is a great quote
If you can remember last night you're gay!
- If ask for a "box" at dinner, you are gay.
- If you go to a pool without a frisbee, football, volleyball, etc., you are gay.
- If you say "I have something stuck in my tale pipe" and you are not referring to your car, you are gay.
- If you don't go for it in 2, you are gay.
- If you play an acoustic guitar, you are gay.
- If you wear wristbands, you are gay.
- If you cause dude drama, you are gay.
- If you Windex, you are gay.
VERY IMPORTANT: If call Vick "Ron Mexico", you are gay and probably should get hit by a bus.
If you've ever chosen to use a toilet instead of a urinal you're gay and you have a small penis.
If you ever chosen to use a urinal next to an occupied urinal with an unoccupied urinal available away from the occupied urinal, you are gay.
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