More Chucky Boy

5 Things No Bar Should Have by Chuck Klosterman

1. Natural light. Bars are supposed to be womblike sanctuaries, separate from the blinding bleakness of mainstream society. They should always be poorly lit, and they should not have windows. If I'm drinking at 3:00 P.M., the sun should not remind me what time it is.

2. Patrons who are reading. Darkness also discourages all the bozos who think people will be impressed if they're seen reading in a bar, which is as cool as being drunk at Barnes & Noble.

3. Loud music. There is a belief among many bar owners that loud music creates intimacy (which theoretically increases the possibility of romantic interplay, thereby prompting people to return) by forcing patrons to sit closer together and scream directly into one another's ears. Everybody hates this. I have never been in a bar where people complained about the music being too soft.

4. Dogs. Never bring your dog into a bar. Ever. They're not clean, and they make the place feel like a veterinarian's office. How is it that you can't have a lit cigarette in any bar in New York or L.A., but you can have a pit bull? I understand that cigarettes cause cancer; they do not, however, rip the faces off small children.

5. Twenty-two-year-old female bartenders who "just wanna party." I already have enough problems. That's why I came to the bar.


I think that's a pretty solid list, but I'd make a few additions. To #1, a bar also shouldn't have Natty Light. If you're that cheap you should probably just drink in your dorm or trailor. To #3, internet juke boxes are the devil. The bar no longer has any control over what's being played, which means some drunk girl with $2 can put on as much Rhianna as her heart desires. Also, I think #5 is the type of thing a guy in his 30's says. So instead I'd go with drinks that are something and 25 cents or something and 75 cents. It should either be on the dollar or 50 cents, anything else just means you're getting change as a tip buddy.