good news

from Chad Ford's blog:

"Jay Williams' agent, Kevin Bradbury, told me that Williams will be in Toronto on Wednesday and Thursday working out for the Raptors. He'll then do a workout a week for select teams, trying to land a one-year guarantee on a roster. Williams has been rehabbing in Chicago all year and according to Bradbury is looking "100 percent better than he did last year."

I was never a huge fan of the guy but I wish him the best. Hopefully he'll work out for the Hawks and be impressive.

Also, I'm just going to start posting links as I find them now, so there should be a lot of short posts that are just links in the near future. Chances are that the only reason anyone reads this site at all is as a distraction from work. So I"m going to give you the goods without worrying about the presentation.

More Chucky Boy

5 Things No Bar Should Have by Chuck Klosterman

1. Natural light. Bars are supposed to be womblike sanctuaries, separate from the blinding bleakness of mainstream society. They should always be poorly lit, and they should not have windows. If I'm drinking at 3:00 P.M., the sun should not remind me what time it is.

2. Patrons who are reading. Darkness also discourages all the bozos who think people will be impressed if they're seen reading in a bar, which is as cool as being drunk at Barnes & Noble.

3. Loud music. There is a belief among many bar owners that loud music creates intimacy (which theoretically increases the possibility of romantic interplay, thereby prompting people to return) by forcing patrons to sit closer together and scream directly into one another's ears. Everybody hates this. I have never been in a bar where people complained about the music being too soft.

4. Dogs. Never bring your dog into a bar. Ever. They're not clean, and they make the place feel like a veterinarian's office. How is it that you can't have a lit cigarette in any bar in New York or L.A., but you can have a pit bull? I understand that cigarettes cause cancer; they do not, however, rip the faces off small children.

5. Twenty-two-year-old female bartenders who "just wanna party." I already have enough problems. That's why I came to the bar.


I think that's a pretty solid list, but I'd make a few additions. To #1, a bar also shouldn't have Natty Light. If you're that cheap you should probably just drink in your dorm or trailor. To #3, internet juke boxes are the devil. The bar no longer has any control over what's being played, which means some drunk girl with $2 can put on as much Rhianna as her heart desires. Also, I think #5 is the type of thing a guy in his 30's says. So instead I'd go with drinks that are something and 25 cents or something and 75 cents. It should either be on the dollar or 50 cents, anything else just means you're getting change as a tip buddy.

Klosterman

I'm a little bit behind on these but Chuck Klosterman wrote another article for Page 2 about the 3 point line, and a somewhat April Fools approach to Chinese Democracy. He's constantly entertaining and supposedly has a new book coming out in August.

Running

If anyone is interested in joining me, I'll be running the GA 400 Road Race on Saturday June 10th. Basically you start at Lenox like you would for the Peachtree, take a left on Piedmont, take a right on Pharr Rd, and then take a right on Peachtree and take it all the way back to Lenox. It's a 4 mile race and a chance to run past my apartment. They have online registration.

Also, if anyone has a Peachtree Road Race number they want to sell or give away, let me know.

50 Worst Beers

List of the 50 Worst Beers rated by the type of people who go to ratebeer.com. It's silly that Bud Light is on the list, as though it actually tastes worse than Southpaw. The biggest find of this list is that there is actually Pabst Ice.

Here is a review of Pabst Ice that I found:

"Despite the ribbing of the local beer store clerks, I bought a 30 pack anyway. Poured with a light gold body and a dencent sized white head. The aroma is grainy corn and carrots. There is also a hint of dirt. The taste has some light corn and dirty carrots. There is nothing offensive in this. "

Uh.. dirt taste eh? I think I'll pass, however I feel like I'm missing out on some different types of beers at my local liquor store. I've really got to find some place with a better selection. What if there is non-acoholic Busch Light out there and I didn't even know about it.

YTF: 80's Music Videos

Some dude took the the time to find and list just about every 80's music video on youtube. Being somewhat less ambitious, I just went through and picked out my favorites.

Call Me Al: Remember when Chevy Chase was funny. Everyone talks about how Eddie Murphy dropped off but no one's really mentioned Chevy since his talk show bombed. Also it's amazing how good of a comedic actor Paul Simon is. In this video and in old SNL sketches he was a great straight man. Which is surprising given his weird interviews. Finally, though that bass solo is awesome, I heard that it was some sort of audio trick. I think he plays the first part of it, then the 2nd part is the tape playing backwards. Which is a shame because for the longest time I was amazed anyone could play something like that.

Peter Gabriel - Sledgehammer: Gabriel had about 3 videos off this album that were all claymation or other cool stuff. I loved them all.

ZZ Top - Gimme All Your Lovin also one of a couple off an album staying with a theme. Those magical magical keys. I remember the chicks from the video being much hotter. What the hell? Was is great for women in the 80's since they could be mediocre and appear in videos, or just awful for men?

The Bangles - Walk Like an Egyptian: I dig the Bangles in the same way that I still enjoy listening to Poison. I know it's not great music, and most of my affection can be attributed to nostalgia, but I just watched this video at 7am in my office on a Friday and rocked out.

Billy Joel - We Didn't Start the Fire: You can get the breakdown of the events mentioned in the song here. It's amazing how many tv commercials have shamelessly ripped off this format. Also, this a song that's almost completely dependant on the video, much like Weezer's Buddy Holly. Sure you could listen to it without the visuals, but why bother?

Bon Jovi - Livin on a Prayer "The older you get, the more rules they are going to try and get you to follow. You just gotta keep on livin', man. L-I-V-I-N."

Bonnie Tyler - Total Eclipse of the Heart - I fucking need you more than eva. I have to admit that I don't remember this video very well. But it's just a fantastic song that lead to the gayest thing I've ever seen. And I mean that in every sense of the word gay. On the flip side, the dedication to this miming version is hysterical and admirable.

Dire Straits - Money For Nothing: you know it you love it. In case you didn't know, that's Sting singing the "I want my MTV" intro.

Europe - Final Countdown: Well sure the song will kick your ass, but I listed it so I could link to G.O.B. Bluth blowing your mind.

GNR - Welcome to the Jungle: the good ole days back when Axl still weighed 93 lbs and you rarely ever saw Slash's actual face.

John Cougar Mellencamp - Small Town: mmmm Cougar Hunting

Mötley Crüe - Girls, Girls, Girls So someone told me last night that Tattletales has been remodeled and it's kinda nice now and also "they have all the white strippers from Masters who got tired of dancing there" so take that for what it's worth. I know it's lower on the Atlanta strip club totem pole, but I still can't believe I've never been, I mean, it's in a song by the Crüe.

Sam Kinison - Wild Thing: I think the fact that I watched this video about 100 times as a 6 year old explains a lot of my current personality flaws.

Tiffany - I Think We're Alone Now: Before I die I want to see a concert in a mall. Do I have to move to Iowa or something to make this happen?

Tone Loc - Funky Cold Medina: you say one trick pony, I say genius

Weird Al Yankovic - Fat: probably his best work, but only because the Bad video was such a huge deal at the time.

Young MC - Bust a Move: yeah I may have wasted $10 on this CD but how was I to know that in the future you could download singles.

quick thoughts

- after Raja Bell and Jason Terry were both suspended for game 6's, and both their teams came back and won game 7, wouldn't it make sense for someone to lay down another hard foul in game 5 of these series? I'd like to see either Boris Diaw punch Mark Cuban, or Jason Williams bite Tayshaun's ear.

- anyone got a good book suggestion? In case you didn't know, I don't read anything that isn't available in paperback or under 300 pages long.

some pet peeves off the top of my head:

"he's good people": shut up yankee. Say "he's a good guy" or even "I like the cut of his jib" but referring to someone as good people just sounds dumb

"hate is a strong word": obviously it isn't. Otherwise people wouldn't throw it around all the time. Don't question my use of a word. If I say I hate something I mean I hate it. As in the current definition that society has given for the word hate. In fact sometimes hate isn't a strong enough word and you have to step it up with a "I want to de=spine them" or "I hope he chokes on a chicken bone"

honking of horns: There are only three acceptable times to honk your horn 1) you're about to get hit by another car 2) someone has not noticed the green light for at least 5 seconds 3) you see someone you know and you give them the quick double honk. Otherwise, don't hit it. I witnessed two separate cars honk at a gas station recently because they wanted the people in front of them to hurry up. If you're that angry roll down the window and voice your concern. Don't hide behind your wussy horn.

Being double carded: If it's a 21 and up establishment, don't you realize that I was carded by the bouncer. There really isn't a need to see my ID again. You're just slowing everyone down.

Mexican restaurants that charge for chips and salsa: seriously? Good thing you figured out a way to make that extra buck. Jackass. If you spend the $1 per table on the free chips and salsa I'll probably be more likely to order two extra Coronas dumbass.


I don't know why this post was so angry. I'm actually in a pretty good mood. The Mavs and Dirkadoodledoo won (favorite team besides the Hawks) the boring ass Spurs lost, Reitdawg got a save for the Braves, and Moms is about to hook me up with a free shrimp and tuna steak dinner. All is well, plus a four day weekend is just around the corner.

Marge: Homer, your boss called. He said if you don't come in to work tomorrow, then don't bother coming in on Monday.
Homer: Woo-HOO! A four-day weekend!

jump on it

the dance that has brought me so much joy over the last few years.

YouTube Fridays: Dane Cook

Screw watching two incredible basketball games tonight. I'm going to have a few red bull and vodkas and go dance my ass off.

Caught a bolt a lightnin...

If I were to bring up the most clutch steal of all time, many of you would automatically think about Dave Roberts' stealing 2nd in game 4 of the 2004 ALCS. And up until last night you may have been right. However on Wednesday May 17th a demi-god name Pete Orr pinch ran for Matt Diaz in the 9th. Giles laid down a bunt and Orr effortlessly moved on to 2nd. During the next at bat Orr stole third base standing up. With absolutely no exaggeration, he was halfway to second before the pitcher released the ball. Just an incredible jump. Personally I thought Bobby should have given Peterson Thomas Gord Orr the green light to steal home, but deciding that Chipper needed an RBI, Cox put the breaks on Mr. Canadian Lightning. Rattled by Orr blazing down the 3rd base line, the Marlins infield botched a double play ball and the Braves tied the game. Later Chipper would hit a walk off 3 run homer to steal the game. Okay maybe it wasn't that important, but I'm just glad that I retained my vision after watching such a spectacle.

If you're not familiar with the mythos or grandeur of Pete Orr then I feel sorry for you. It's a widely known fact that he's the fastest man in the big leagues and once ran a 4.2 40 in Canada despite the fact that he had to run meters instead of yards. Unfortunately there aren't that many pictures of him running online because they all came out blurry. But if you go to Turner Field and see him on the base paths he looks a little like the Rocketeer.

the answer

According to 790am there are rumors floating around that the Hawks and 76ers are discussing a trade involving Allen Iverson for Al Harrington and Josh Childress. Without knowing how many years are left on Iverson's contract, I think I agree with this move in theory. Plain and simple, we don't really need Harrington since we've drafted Josh Smith and Marvin Williams. Josh Childress has emerged as a solid 6th man who provides energy and defense off the bench, but those guys are a dime a dozen. You can find a replacement like that in the 2nd round of the draft (as opposed to the 6th overall pick, which for the record lead to myself and Kevin immediately screaming in agony).

I can't find any evidence of these discussions online. However, Hawks president Bernie Mullen was on 680am this week. He was talking about who has the ultimate control with acquiring talent in regard to the relationship between the ownership group and Billy Knight. He mentioned that recently another NBA team was discussing dropping a big time talent because of their salary. He also said that parts of the ownership group wanted to make the trade for revenue reasons, however Billy Knight and his staff didn't necessarily think the trade would help the team and didn't fit into their plan.

I immediately scanned around the league and tried to think of who would fit this description. So I came up with Garnett, Iverson, Chris Webber, Marbury, Steve Francis, Paul Pierce, Kenyon Martin, Zach Randolph and maybe Baron Davis as the most likely candidates. So Iverson would make since, and out of that list Iverson and Garnett would help the team on and off the court the most.

The starting lineup would be Iverson, Joe Johnson, Josh Smith, Marvin Williams and Zaza Pachulia. Which is definitely a small lineup, but you have to figure that they would take a big man in the draft and free agency. You'd also be able to occasionally bring in a bigger PG and move Iverson to the 2 and Johnson can easily play SF.

As for the downsides, you have to wonder if Iverson's presence would stunt Marvin and Josh's growth like it has with Iguodala in Philly. Also he's not a true point guard and you'd still have to acquire one in a trade or the draft for the future. But all that being said, this deal would pretty much insure the Hawks would make the playoffs, and that's really all I want for a year or two. Then you can make the changes that will bring a championship. Also, all of my statements are dependant on the Hawks not giving up their 1st round pick this year. Or Harrington and the pick and not Childress.

really?

I heard this mentioned on the radio this morning, and it isn't completely implausible, but there are rumors floating around that Mike Myers is gay. I mean it makes since but it also could be good timing for a rumor considering he just got divorced. I don't really care either way but I find the getting married to cover it up angle interesting. Is is still that much of a benefit to your career to pretend your straight?

Not surprisingly the same site also claims that Ryan Seacrest and Lance Bass are also gay.

bowel movements

good post at URLB

killing Barry

Good article by Jayson Stark about Russ Springer throwing at Barry Bonds last night. There are two great finds in this piece. First, learning that Springer has faced Bonds 3 times. The first appearance in 2001 Bonds homers off Springer, the next appearance in 2004 Springer beans him, and then does so again last night. That's one hell of a grudge. Normally it would be impossible to stay mad that long. Maybe you hate the guy for 3 months or so, but in the sports world the object of your rage can appear on ESPN every night and only further incite you.

The second best part is the quote by the anonymous astro that states ""What's that mean?" wondered one Astro. "We'll have to wait till 'Bonds on Bonds?". That guy should have taken credit for that joke.

For some reason, this story reminds me of an old Braves game. I don't remember the exact circumstances but the Braves and Phillies were playing and there had been a couple of batters hit earlier in the game. Glavine is on the mound and he apparently gets the call to bean Dale Murphy (I think the game was at Philly). Anyway, because Glavine has respect for Dale and knowing his reputation in Atlanta, Tommy boy throws about 4 straight 60mph curves about 4 feet behind Dale. Finally he hits him with all the strength of a 12 year old Little Leaguer. I don't know if this showed the good or bad of baseball, but it was definitely a memorable moment.

Obviously Springer hates Bonds. As for me, I used to have a Hollywood Hate List of celebrities that I despised. I tried to remember this morning but all I could come up with are the two mainstays: Arnold Schwarzenegger and Molly Shannon. Just absolutely hate them both. Arnold is a more rational hate, in that I know why I detest him. If you've never seen the Pumping Iron you will quickly find out that he's the devil. In general he's an egocentric jerk. Molly Shannon just bugs me. She's not funny or attractive, which are basically my requirements for liking a female celebrity. I'm also trying to think of a SNL castmember responsible for two less funny recurring characters than Mary Catherine Gallagher and the old lady talk show host who kicked her legs up. And why did highschool girls at the time find this remotely funny?

oh yeah Russell Crowe is on the list also. I'm sure I'll be reminded of two more that make the list, but that's it for now.

"My fighting is poetry! You don't edit Russell Crowe's poetry, you testicle!"

YouTube Fridays: Van Damntastic

Not only can Van Damme fight, not only can Van Damme dance, but he's also really good at acting drunk.


also, Lilly the dog is quite the soccer player

I'm at an impass

For some reason earlier this week I asked myself the question: "Self, if you only had to eat at one fast food restaurant for every meal the rest of your life, what would you choose?". I quickly narrowed the choices down to Wendy's and Arby's. Wendy's because it's my favorite fast food, and Arby's because of their variety. At Wendy's you have the pinnacle of fast food in the spicy chicken sandwich, plus some decent burgers, and the constantly expanding $1 menu. Although to be honest the only reason they are in the running is because of the newly added Frescata sandwiches, which though not great, adds a little non greasy variety to the mix. Arby's on the other hand has the outstanding Market Fresh sandwhiches, mainstay roast beef, and as I tried for the first time this week, a decent chicken sandwich.

And I'm pretty strong in my conviction that the spicy chicken sandwich is the best fast food product the country has to offer. Once during a road trip I had a Wendy's spicken chicken sandwich six out of seven straight meals. The one exception was a Kickn Chickn sandwich in Charleston which also happens to be a sandwich filled with particularly spiced chicken.

Wendy's has the edge with the overall best item, plus best variety since they include baked potatoes, salads, chili and what not. They also garner appreciation for having chicken nuggets and strips. However the fries and sweet tea are ridiculously inconsistant. Though the Frescata sandwiches are a nice switch up, the bread is way too hard and they don't have enough meat.

Arby's gains points for consistantly quality curly fries and sweet tea, Arby's sauce, multiple flavor milkshakes, and just an in general more filling meal. They also lose points for price and a lack of healthy non-sandwich food

So what does is ultimately come down to? Spokesman. And I'm taking Dave Thomas over the annoying glove. So I believe it's America's Roast Beef No Sir. I'm willing to read or listen to any arguments to the contrary and then strike them down as wrong.

vs.

like a robot

My dad once claimed that he hasn't taken a bad picture in the last 5 years because he always uses the same smile. Well apparently Paris Hilton prays at the altar of Bert. (sound) The freaking girl doesn't change facial expressions. You know..unless she has something in it.

Links of all kinds

- According to an article in the AJC, "Atlanta-based Popeyes and Church's Chicken restaurant chains have seen sales drop in some foreign markets". My first thought? They have Popeyes and Church's overseas? It's just something that would never occur to me.

- I owe a big apology to Ryan Stewart of the 2 Live Stews. We unmercifully made fun of him a couple of weeks ago for stating that he thought those Jetta commercials were real. His reasoning being that he watched it in slow motion and saw no camera switches. Well, it turns out he was right. Apparently the commercials "had stunt drivers at the wheel for the one-take shoots". It amazes me that someone's job was to sit in a car while a truck hit them in a side collision at full speed. Were all the jobs shoveling crap already taken?

- The Kings fired Rick Adelman. Since it's been rumored I've constantly dreamt of the Hawks hiring him. That's really all I've wanted in Atlanta since Lenny Wilkens left. A veteran coach. Someone who's actually taken a team to the playoffs. Sure Adelman is no stranger to playoff collapses, but you know, right now I wouldn't mind if the Hawks fell apart in the playoffs. I guess I'm kinda like the guy at the party who doesn't have to hook up with the hottest girl, as long as he hooks up with a girl. That's what missing the playoffs for seven years will do to you.

- And as mentioned by the Crafty Vet, here is the link for the NBA Superstars DVD. It's all three editions of NBA Superstars on one DVD for $11.99. I remember watching this as my cousin Robby's place in Auburn growing up. Watch a little NBA Superstars on VHS, play a little Blades of Steel, and then switch over and watch Chris Fowler on Scholastic Sports America. Thanks to technology I can still watch Superstars and play Blades of Steel on the computer, but unfortunately Fowler is on Gameday now and I despise him a litte more each Saturday.

YouTube Fridays

I've done this before, but Youtube is just so much better than iFilm used to be. So here are my favorite sports videos that I could find:

Long ass Jordan career restrospective commercial with the theme "What is Love". And the best part is that they stop it before any Wizards highlights.

8 minutes of Bo including Nike commercials and athletes like Jordan talking about Bo. This is almost blasphemy, but I think Bo running over the Boz might be the most overrated play in history. You see that crap all the time. The two runs he breaks off against Denver in this video are much more impressive to me.

Pro Stars cartoon intro

Chicks dig the long ball

Wow, I mean wow apparently ESPN put together a combination, most of it set to Dream On by Aerosmith and managed to include every important sports image, play, athlet ever.

GorillaMask.net

If you're bored at work and looking for entertainment on a daily basis check GorillaMask. However if you don't feel like going there, or you're worried that some of the content on that page is objectional, I'll continue linking to the best stuff they have on their site. Beware of Ginger Kids! "Make no mistake. Ginger kids are evil. You know who was ginger? Judas. And what did Judas do? Oh, he just got Jesus killed, that's all".

work stuff

I'm messing around with using Youtube some at work to promote our websites, mainly Freeguitarvideos.com. Here is a little video of two virtuosos playing Sweet Georgia Brown (the Harlem Globetrotter Theme) on guitar and mandolin. Also, the instruments featured in the videos are worth more than all of your possesions combined most likely.

Interesting weekend

I would say seeing news of the Houston debacle on ESPN's ticker on Friday night was the exact opposite reaction I had to finding out the Falcons were getting Vick the same way. Is there a single DE in the last 20 years of the NFL that ever deserved to be a number one pick? Maybe Reggie White. I can't think of another. If they didn't want Bush, they should have traded the pick. If they want to improve their defense they are going to need a lot of good players, not one DE who wasn't even dominant in college.

Unfortunately I've missed more of the NBA playoffs than I've seen. But luckily you can get recaps from the Crafty Vet, Kdudd, and URLB. As an added bonus, the Vet is hooking you up with great Rick Pitino quotes all week on the top of his page. My Dothan friends from Auburn came up with some great phrases but my absolute favorite is when you'd see some sleezy guy around town, hair gel, workout jacket, something like that, we'd call the guy a Pitino. For some reason I ventured into a club on Saturday night, and there were a bunch of Pitinos at the bar ordering Jager bombs.

Also, it's a little more traditional than Pitino week, but never the less it's Derby Week at the Railbird's page. If you've never bet on the Derby I highly suggest it. The fastest two minutes in sports is a popular phrase for a reason. You can bet on the winners at Sportsbook.com (be sure to tell them beefcakejcc referred you), but if anyone knows of a site where you can make Quinella and Exacta bets and all that stuff online, I'd love to know.

Weird site stuff. Last August I wrote a post about a guy who won the Jimmy Kimmel professional tv watcher job. You may also remember that some of his friends and enemies found the page and checked it out for awhile. Well over the weekend someone searching for the phrase "I hope with all my heart that Greg Harrell-Edge dies" on Google and then left the following coment:

"Say what you want about Greg. But I slept with him last night and it was ROCKSTAR!"

Well that's fantastic. Probably the funniest thing every written on this blog. And completely out of nowhere.

And finally, I have no idea why it took me so long, but I watched The Aristocrats last night. I had pretty high expectations and it completely delivered as I knew it would. Rich watched it last summer and had a similar opinion of the movie. Basically it's the old joke that comics tell to each other about a family who is auditioning for a talent agent. The greatness of the joke is that it's completely up to the comic to come with a list of disgusting acts that the family performs. Just about everybody focuses on being as dirty as possible. So the following peformances were refreshing because they focused on the delivery rather than the content:

Sarah Silverman: told the joke as though she was in the family. Absolutely brilliant. Probably the only way a woman could tell the joke and be hysterical at the same time, plus it incorporates the type of material she uses in her act anyway.

Kevin Pollack telling the joke as Christopher Walken. I got tired of this impersonation about 3 years ago, but Pollack just nailed it and it's so ridiculous to hear the joke in that voice. It might be in DVD extras, but he also tells the joke as Albert Brooks which is ridiculously obscure and funny.

The mime acting out the joke must be the most humerous thing a mime has ever done. I almost coughed up a lung I was laughing so hard.

And my personal favorite was Paul Reiser. For about first 40 minutes of the movie you're watching all these comics tell this filthy joke. And then Reiser tells it in the real gentile manner. It's just this odd juxtaposition of the nervous/nice guy Reiser telling the vile and filthy joke. Just completely different than anyone else and so funny that I'm going to Netflix the movie Diner so I can see some more Reiser goodness. If you haven't seen Diner you need to watch it tomorrow. I'm serious. Plus I imagine the Farmer Ted giving the Crafty Lady a test about the Hawks like Gutenberg does with the Colts in the movie.

"You know what word I'm not comfortable with? Nuance. It's not a real word. Like gesture. Gesture's a real word. With gesture you know where you stand. But nuance? I don't know. Maybe I'm wrong." - Reiser as Modell in Diner