The Great Atlanta Pub Crawl Marches On...

It's been a busy last six days in the pub crawl and I'll get to that in a second. However, on Saturday night I had the pleasure/misfortune of attending CJ's Landing's last night in business. As far as I can remember it's the only time I've attended a "last night" and it was odd to say the least. The back bar was running out of stuff order by order. I ended up with a few Pilsner Urquell's that may have been in the fridge for at least 4 months. Later at the front bar, I ordered two Glen Livet's on the rocks and had them served to me, full to the brim of 16oz "styrofoam" Coor's Light cups. In case you were wondering, the last song Brian Wiltsey played was "Wish You Were Here" with about 20 various CJ's musician's on stage. I'm sad to see the place go.


21) Hand in Hand: If you know me well, you know I'm not a fan. Bad service and way overpriced. The cheapest beer they have is $5 Coor's Light Draft. But when it's summer it's hard to resist the 1-2 porch combo of here and Neighbor's. I just typically like to stay at Neighbors.

22) Atkin's Park": "Atlanta's oldest continuously licensed tavern" is a cool place indeed. Just an old school bar. Definitely not a place I go to enough.

23) The Dark Horse: I continuously stay on the fence about Dark Horse. It has the potential to be the coolest bar in Virginia Highlands. But they turn the juke box up to freaking loud, it's hard to get a drink, and the guys bathroom is "awkward". But it's always rowdy, which is nice.

Also, Cousin Chris, told me the other day about the El Bar which is apparently behind the El Azteca on Ponce. Apparently it's almost hidden. Has anyone been there? He said it was cool but they haven't been in a few months so it's apparently not that great.

24) One Pace Down: It's amazing what happens when I change my routine for a week or two. Apparently 5 Paces acquired the building next door and opened a somewhat connecting bar named One Pace Down. It was around last call and the details are sketchy to me. I think I liked the idea though. I'm sure it will open up 5 Paces a little more so there is some room to move. There may have even been a ban. I really can't remember.

25) Steamhouse Lounge: Now the home of the coolest porch in Buckhead (while it's still open). It's amazing how much you feel like you're at the beach when you're sitting on the porch. The place is just chill. And you know, they serve raw oysters. So how could I not like it?

26) Fado's: I've always thought Fado's was awkward. There isn't a big room anywhere. It's just little sections here and there. And the fact that they charge a cover on the weekends is a joke.

27) Park Bench: Contrary to appearance inside the bar last night, Park Bench is not closing. Oddly enough, there were only about 20 people in there last night and about 15 of them were attractive girls. I guess they were waiting around to hear the owner's crappy cover band.

28) Mike and Angelos: Apparently I could have been playing free pool here on weeknight's for the past few years. I really missed the boat on that one. Even though I've been to see bands in the back room several times, it still remains one of the most surreal places I've ever been.

29) Hole in the Wall: Look...I'm gonna say it. Not a bad place to grab a drink Mon-Thurs. I personally wouldn't go there on the weekend, but if you're looking for a relaxed place to play pool or beer pong during the week, it's not a bad place. Plus they have a stripper pole.

Mark your calendars. Starting Thursday June 14th through that Saturday night I'm "going to plaid" with the Pub Crawl. I'm honestly looking to knock off at least 20 bars around town. People may need to come in shifts. We're looking at Thursday night starting around 7pm probably, Friday around 4pm, and all day Saturday. No area of town is off limits. I'd even be willing to hit up a Marietta pub crawl if someone could navigate it.

Gant

A fantastic highlight clip of the Braves' Glory Days



What stuck out to me:

- Ron Gant is the greatest player in the history of baseball. Absolute specimen.

- I applaud any highlights package that features Bobby Cox being thrown out of a game. It wouldn't be the Braves otherwise.

- After watching almost all of Smoltz's starts over the last few years, it's startling to see how sick his stuff was back in the day. He throws at least two 12-6 curve balls in this clip that are completely unhitable.

- Steve Avery's hair. Sweet.

- I dare you not to get emotional in the last 30 seconds.

- I might just have to go the Sunday night game against the Cubs now.

Thanks to Losers with Socks for the vid.

A Day in the Life of Nick Saban

Unfortunately, I have no idea who wrote this. But enjoy.


"NICK SABAN'S ITENERARY

4:00 AM - Wake up.

4:01 AM - Fire secretary for mispelling 'ITINERARY.' Get security to go to her house, step in her garden, wake her ass up, get her to fix them breakfast. .... Then fire her.

4:02 AM - Watch the movie 'Gladiator' in 16X fast forward.

4:20 AM - Think about how much of a p***y Maximus is and how I could dominate his ass.

4:21 AM - Call Major. Tell him if he isn't at my house in 5 minutes I will hire Chris Simms to do his f***ing job.

4:25 AM - Tell Major who he is recruiting today. Send him on the road with a cooler and a case of Red Bull. Tell him not to come back until he has a commitment. From a 5-star.

4:26 AM - Call Kevin Steele. Ask him where the f*** are my 5-star D-line commits? Call him names. Hang up.

4:27 AM - Power nap.

4:28 AM - 3-mile jog.

4:29 AM - Play game of NCAA 07. Beat LSU 63-0.

With Valdosta State.

5:00 AM - Think about how even EA sports makes Les Miles looks like a walking bobblehead doll.

5:01 AM - Call Mal. Ask him where the f*** is my bagel.

5:02 AM - Get bagel from Mal. Complain that it isn't toasted enough. Slam door.

5:03 AM - Toast bagel with laser eyes, then eat it.

5:05 AM - Do whatever the hell I want for two-and-a-half hours.

7:36 AM - Wake up the daughter, tell her how much I love her, fix her breakfast, ask her how her school is going, pat her on the head, buy her a pony, kiss her on the forehead, telepathically threaten her boyfriend, and give her a ride to school.

7:39 AM: Wake up the wife.

7:39 - 10:39 AM - None of your f***ing business.

10:40 AM - Take 15-minute hot shower.

10:45 AM - Head to office.

10:50 AM - Prank-call Don Shula. Tell him that Nick Saban is looking to hire a new secretary and that if he's interested to email his resume to imadeyourentirefamilymybitch@hotmail.com. Do not disguise voice.

11:00 AM - Go to Mobile. Recruit my ass off.

11:50 AM - Go to Daphne. Recruit my ass off.

12:25 PM - Go to Louisiana. Take huge sh*t…

... inside the LSU Football Complex. Use the bathroom in Miles’ office. Do not close door.

12:26 P.M. - Use bottled skunk scent to create the illusion that my sh*t actually stinks.

12:27 P.M. – Leave toilet un-flushed. Not to be rude. Just to remind everyone at LSU that it’s Nick Saban’s job to get sh*t done, and Les Miles’ job to take care of whatever Nick Saban leaves behind.

12:29 P.M. – Enter Auburn city limits. Inhale, then hold breath.

12:30 P.M. – Meet Tommy Tuberville for lunch. When waiter takes order, say “I'll have what he's having.” Wait for Tuberville to order something healthy. Then call him a p**** and order a double cheeseburger. With onion rings.

12:31 P.M. – Think of a better way to f*** with Tuberville. Adjust time.

12:30 P.M. – Meet Tommy Tuberville for lunch. When waitress takes order, say 'I'll have what he's having.' Wait for Tuberville to order. When the waitress brings out my food, send it back. When the waitress brings out Tuberville’s food, eat it. All of it. Silently, and without using silverware. Stare Tuberville in the face the whole time. Do not talk. If waitress tries to approach table again, stare at her until she cries.

1:00 P.M. – Get up from table. Ask valet for Tuberville’s car keys. Do not tip.

1:01 P.M. – Get in car. Scroll through Tuberville’s iPod. Laugh at all the p***y music he has on it.

1:02 P.M. – Morph iPod into 1987 cassette tape of “Appetite for Destruction.” Blare it. Then hit the pedal.

1:03 – 1:29 P.M. – Hit as many Auburn fans’ mailboxes as possible. Swerve if necessary.

1:30 P.M. – Arrive at Auburn City Sheriff’s Office.

1:31 P.M. – Beat the s**t out of Auburn City Sheriff.

Do not tell him there is a new sheriff in town. That would be too expected.

Instead, merely imply it by punching him repeatedly in the face and kidney.

1:32 – 1:54 P.M. – Hit as many Auburn fans’ pets as possible. Swerve if necessary.

1:55 P.M. – Drive to Bobby Lowder’s house. Park Tuberville’s car right next to Lowder’s wife’s car. Leave it there all night. But not before taking pictures.

1:56 P.M. – Slash both front tires. With index finger.

1:57 P.M. – Swallow keys. Hail cab.

1:58 P.M. – Exit Auburn city limits. Wait five minutes, then exhale.

1:59 P.M. – Arrive at gas station. Put on Armani suit. Smile. Ask attendant for bag of Redman chew. Do not pay for it.

2:00 P.M. – Go to SEC baseball tourney.

2:01 P.M. – Walk into batter’s box. Grab crotch. Hit pinch-hit HR.

But not for Alabama.

For whoever’s playing LSU.

2:02 P.M. – Point to scorekeeper. Tell him to just add the run, because Nick Saban doesn’t have time to run the f***ing bases.

2:03 P.M. – On way out of ballpark, spit chew in LSU batboy’s face. Make sure his eyes are open first.

2:04 P.M. - Get out cell phone. Make recruiting call to Julio Jones. Tell him that Nick Saban just hit a pinch-hit HR. In an Armani suit. Without rounding the bases. Hang up.

2:05 P.M. – Purchase phone-voice disguiser from the movie 'Scream.'

2:06 P.M. – Call Major. Ask him how he is doing.

Then ask him if Alabama recruited a 5-star QB this week.

Then ask him if Alabama got a commitment from a 5-star QB this week.

Then ask him if he enjoys the use of his thumbs.

2:07 P.M. – Fax letter to Dan Le Batard and the Miami-Herald Sports department.

(^^^Coach’s correction^^^) - F*** that. Nick Saban does not fax. -

2:07 P.M. – Have Secretary Shula fax letter to Dan Le Batard and the Miami-Herald Sports Dept.

Letter to read as follows:

“ATTN: Staff,

Guys, I don’t know how else I can say this. I am going to beat the ever-living s*** out of Dan Le Batard and the entire Miami-Herald Sports Department.

- NICK SABAN”

2:08 P.M. – Catch the 3:15 flight to Miami.

3:00 P.M. – Beat the ever-living s*** out of Dan Le Batard and the entire Miami Herald Sports Department.

Not to show them that Nick Saban only gets violent when he feels like it. To show them that Nick Saban only keeps his word when he feels like it.

4:00 P.M. – Arrive back in Alabama. Call Real Estate Agent.

4:01 P.M. – 5:00 P.M. – Work with Real Estate agent. Buy every single movie theater, restaurant, shopping mall, outdoor park, fishing lake, and entertainment venue in the entire city of Auburn.

Close them all down immediately. If real estate agent advises against the move, threaten his life. Then tell him it is not about making money. It is about making sure people in Auburn have nothing to take their minds off the fact that Nick Saban was just hired as the Head Coach of Alabama.

5:01 P.M. – 9:01 P.M. – Go into office. Work. Recruit. Dominate. Make up for otherwise slow day.

9:02 P.M. – Go home. Hug the wife. Wink. Smile. Spit mad game.

9:03 P.M. – 12:02 A.M. – None of your f****ng business.

12:03 A.M. – Call Mal. Ask him where the f*** is my cigarette.

12:04 A.M. – Get cigarette from Mal. Complain that it isn’t lit. Slam door.

12:05 A.M. – Light cigarette with laser eyes. Then smoke it. Without filter.

12:06 A.M. – 1,000 sit-ups.

12:07 A.M. – 1,000 push-ups.

12:08 A.M. – 1,000 crunches.

12:09 A.M. – End warm-up period and begin hour-long evening workout.

12:39 A.M. – Complete hour-long evening workout.

12:40 A.M. – 1:00 A.M. – Watch 4 consecutive new episodes of ‘24’ using the DVR I stole from Lowder’s house.

1:01 A.M. – Think about how lucky Jack Bauer is for being fictional. Because if he weren’t, I would beat the s*** out of him for copy-catting my personality.

1:02 A.M. – 1:12 A.M. – Watch entire replay of “De La Hoya-Mayweather” fight.

1:13 A.M. – Think about how much more one-sided the fight would have been if it were called “De La Hoya-Saban.”

1:14 A.M. – Put cell phone on silent. Not to go to sleep. To dodge repeated late-night desperation booty calls from Jessica Alba and Eva Longoria.

3:14 A.M. – After booty calls cease, send text message to both reminding them that Nick Saban only cheats at Monopoly.

3:15 A.M. – 3:29 A.M. – Practice future National Championship Game post-game speeches. All three of them.

3:30 A.M. – 4:00 A.M. – Catch good night’s sleep. Replace the counting of sheep with the kicking of puppies."

so very urban

I went down to Screen on the Green last night in Piedmont Park. I wasn't very thrilled with the position of the screen on the field because it limits the size and shape of the crowd. However, it was still a good time and I plan on going back to catch Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid.

But the movie wasn't the coolest part. For safety reasons, they had chalk outlined walk ways spread out through the crowd that people weren't allowed to sit on. This created a convenient way to walk around and find people or whatever. About an hour before the movie starts, somebody starts blowing a whistle at the back of the field. Everyone turns to see what's going on. None other that Midtown's famous Baton Bob (official website and youtube) decked out in a brown thigh high trench coat and brown beret marching down the aisles military style. The whole place just started cheering. The guy is a celebrity,everyone there knew who he was. He marched all around the crowd for probably 30 minutes as people followed him and took pictures with him. He really does bring the good times.

Afterwards I headed over to

20) Prince of Wales: one of the Derek Lawford Pubs (Hand in Hand, the Angel, etc) on Piedmont at 14th street. The main draw of this bar is the porch that sits right across from Piedmont Park. Of course, I stayed inside the whole time and watched the end of the Cavs/Pistons game. It's as overpriced as the other pubs, and our two drafts last night (Stella & Pilsner Urquell) tasted a little skunky. But if you're on that side of the park instead of the Park Tavern side, it's not a bad place to go.

Rose and Crown, another Derek Lawford Pub, in Buckhead on East Paces closed a few years ago. Well they never sold the property and I guess they retained their liquor license. It looks like they've redone the windows and I'd guess just by looking that they'd be open some time in the late fall. Which to me seems like a bad time to open in that area. Those two block are going to be nothing but construction for the next two years at least. Thanks once again Mr. Loudermilk for saving Buckhead.

even more freaking awesome

Bestweekever has the entire first episode of Late Night with Conan O'Brien. The whole thing. The opening is fantastic. I remember watching the show almost out of boredom the first couple of years. It was several years in before he actually hit his stride. And it took me forever to actually warm up to the "moving lips on a still photo" impersonations. But doggone it, the Bill Clinton one seemed like the most fun guy in America

oh hell yeah

Bill Withers - Ain't No Sunshine